Wishing I was there

Did that twice today. First this morning as I struggle for the third day in a row with an asthma attack and the kids are misbehaving and it just gets all a bit too much. Wishing I was at Scrap Camp, minus asthma attack obviously. (much better now, steroids have kicked in so doing better)
Second time late afternoon. Thomas came back all excited from a visit to the Porirua mall. There had been a Santa Parade and there were all sorts of activities happening under the canopy apparently. There was a performance by Ben from NZ Idol (4th place? not sure I'm going by my son's account of things) and Thomas and Annabel watched and danced. Then Ben pulled Thomas up on the stage with him where he danced and danced. I asked Thomas if it had made him nervous with all those people watching but he replied that he didn't mind it at all and actually enjoyed it! I so wished I could have seen him perform in front of all those people. I don't know what it is with that, even with the school production or just a simple school assembly where he goes up on stage to perform, I just get this big lump in my throat and often have to blink away the tears. He is such a natural, so full of life and confidence. Makes my heart burst with pride. And yes I admit it makes me a little reflective too. When and why did I lose that confidence, that believe in myself and my abilities? I think I know the answer but I'm not sure that I like it.